Over the last two months, I worked pretty hard on a big project at work. I finished yesterday at about 11. It gives me a great sense of relief and space. Now, I feel like I have a little more discretionary time. I also feel like there is nothing pressing me. There is nothing that I 'should' be doing. Well, there is. There always is. But the pressure is not the same as the big project.
I have been reviewing some of my memories. In particular, I was going over some memories that I have reviewed in the past one or more times. As I start to review, I can sense an emotional response in my body. I take this as an indicator that I have not fully dealt with the memories or episodes of feelings involved. It seems like each instance is an onion. You can take off the outer layer. It seems done, but if you leave it a while and come back, you discover another layer that you can remove.
Two years ago when I was doing this process, there were many times when I couldn't remember anything, even if I tried. There were lots of times when I drew a blank. I felt that there was lots inside me, but when I went to look, 'poof!' It disappeared. Slowly, was able to access more and more memories 'on demand' as it were. Now, they stand out like, islands in the sea of my life, with so many other memories underwater and still inaccessible. But each time I revisit an episode, the island seems to get a little bit bigger. Sometimes the islands seem to connect to each other as well.
I wonder if it is a question of increasing one's skill to access memories. Like so many other endeavors in life, practice makes perfect. Now it seams like just about every other day I encounter a feeling that was tucked away for years and years. Like a new discovery, or like going through old boxes of things from the attic. When you discover them they are immediately recognizable but prior to the discovery, you were oblivious of them.